baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*