I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
This cat wants you to take your pills
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog