My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me