Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”