Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.