I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Found the job I’m suited for
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”