The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here