My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.