If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.