I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.