Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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My life in a nutshell
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
WTF IS THAT!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u