FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.