H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
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We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.