I’m having an out of money experience.
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.