your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’d … I’d rather not.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
🙅🏻
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.