landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.