The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.