People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Bootstraps
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.