I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
You Might Also Like
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone