my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
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Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
just pretend nothing happened
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower