Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that