[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
S O O N
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”