Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
You Might Also Like
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.