Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*