Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.