I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*