[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.