[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
It do be feeling this way.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)