The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You Might Also Like
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.