Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER