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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
the only organized thing in my life is crime
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
my nickname in college
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
my mind
You just read my mind
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.