me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
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Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.