Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.