Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.