RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
wtf management?!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”