There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair