I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Well, this is awkward
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.