How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
He just like my cat fr
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
what does he know…
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.