All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Ain’t no way
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.