A friend helps you before you need it
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”