Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.