BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
i choose….tongue
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
😂🤣😂🤣
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Did a trash talking tree write this?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!