Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman