Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it