The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.