Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
bugs when you lift up a rock
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
What the hell happened in there??
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.