Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
(Jupiter –
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Simple
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
What kind of a cult is this?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you