Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.