[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Tough love is true love
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Life hack
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.