If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Mouse
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”